Why Naked Apes have Small Mouths. Explained by Meuianga Mera, Chief Scientist of the Reptilian Starfleet

-- Egad.... Meuianga. What would that be?

-- You are teasing us, Meuianga. What is this ugly mess?
-- Looks disgusting. 
-- Aie... disgusting, indeed. Is it something vomited by a Nawipkeyzätx?

Wait, wait, cadets. Don't jump to conclusions too fast. If I am showing you this thing, it is because it is part of your training. And let me tell you that the Apes call it a pizza, and they eat it. It is made with ground vegetable seeds, some meat and other vegetable matter

-- Do they?

-- Really, they eat it?

-- Gosh.... unbelievable.

-- But how can they........?

Everything has an explanation, cadets. And not every species in the galaxy has the same uses we have. I know that we all love meat bitten from freshly killed prey, but, my dear pupils, let me ask you a question. How often could you indulge in killing a Leetlapxkxay and eating it raw, recently?

-- Ah, well, Meuianga, that's true

-- We are in a spaceship. Not easy to find a Leetlapxkxay inside

-- And the trip was long. Even a good reptilian hunter has to come to terms with reality. 

Yes. So we all are used to our super-meta rations. They are good. They give us strength. Though, I must say, not so tasty. But that's another matter. Today, I want to explain to you how the naked apes of planet Earth deal with food. And it is a matter that's linked with other features of this species. You remember that in our previous lesson, I was telling you about the function of this species fleshy excrescences that they call "lips." But another interesting feature of their mouth is how small it is. Let me show you a picture of one of them. Incidentally, even though she is an ape, she is rather smart. She is, actually, one of their best scientists. Maybe, one day I'll have her beamed up to our spaceship, so you can meet her. Chatting with these creatures can be quite entertaining. But here is the picture I mentioned,

-- Uh? Is she really one of those naked apes?

-- She looks like an insect!

-- Weird. With those large eyes!

-- She doesn't even have pupils! 

No, no, cadets. She is not an insect. She is one of the apes we are studying. She is just wearing over her biological eyes an implement that they call "glasses" -- it is another kind of secondary sexual signal for them, but we'll go into that in a later lesson. I am showing this image to you because this young ape shows rather clearly the feature I wanted to discuss today: the small mouth. Indeed it is small. Compare it with your mouth, and you can see that. I can also show you a comparison with the mouth of another ape species of this planet. It is a creature they call "Chimp" and that of a naked ape. They are both primates, closely related to each other in genetic terms. But the mouth of the naked ape is much smaller.

And you see that the mouth of the naked ape is indeed much smaller than that of other species of ape. Now, the question is why. Can you guess? 

-- I have an idea, Meuianga. Does it depend on what they eat? 

Good observations, cadet Hämi Te Yuepxoe 'Ipxpaä'itans. And, indeed, it is a possible explanation. I can tell you that my first impression when I examined the mouth of these creatures was that they, indeed, suck blood. Several species on this planet survive on the blood of other creatures. The naked apes call them "vampires," and we use this term, too. 

-- Is it true, Meuianga? Do they really suck the blood of other creatures?
-- Are they all vampires?

No, cadets, not really. Even though, occasionally, they do, but they don't survive on that. Vampires are small creatures that eat the blood of much larger ones -- they can do that because they are so small that they don't kill their target. On planet Earth, the largest vampire species we could identify are called "bats" by ape scientists. They are truly small. About a hundredth of the weight of a naked ape. To keep the proportion, these apes would need to feed on creatures so large that they couldn't exist on this planet. Gravity would crush them!

-- Ah, good, Meuianga. In a sense, we are reassured.
-- These apes are interesting creatures. But vampires.... well, it would truly disgusting. 
-- And worrisome, too. 

Don't worry, cadets, these apes are not going to suck your blood. To be sure, they have some strange stories about creatures of their size doing exactly that. But I never could verify these stories, so I'll just assume that they are part of that virtual world that apes call "legends." In any case, the reason for the small mouth is perhaps even more interesting than if they were vampires. 

-- You are making us curious, Meuianga
-- Tell us the reason! 

Well, cadets, there are two possible reasons, one of which I don't think it is completely satisfactory, but it is worth examining nevertheless. And it has to do with the object I showed you at the beginning of this class. 

-- Ah.... the thing you called "pizza"?
-- And you say they eat it?

Yes. the story is that they eat pre-digested food. 

-- ........?
-- Do they......?
-- Really?

-- Sound truly awful. 

-- Yecchh....

-- But what does that mean, "pre-digested"?

Ah... simple, cadets, simple. You know that digestion is a process that breaks down the components of food into its basic components. It is done by several enzymes secreted by the body. Now, something similar can be done by heating the food, a process that the apes call "cooking."

-- Cooking?
-- We never heard of anything like that.
-- What would that be?

It is a form of pre-digestion. For instance, it denaturates proteins into more easily absorbable forms, and it also breaks down the cell walls to free nutrients, and much more. Cadets, let me tell you that these apes are quite sophisticated in their idea of cooking. And it is an interesting, very interesting cultural pattern. Those pizzas are, actually, very good. 

.. Er... Meuianga, what does that mean?
-- You ate ape-made pre-digested food?
-- Is that true?

Cadets, a Reptilian scientist is not afraid of personally testing the subjects she studies.

-- Yes, Meuianga, but pre-digested food...
-- Aw... yes. It sounds, it sounds like....

-- Gross.... it sounds gross.

I know, cadets, it sounds disgusting. But it is part of your training. 

-- Eh...? Do you mean we'll have to....?
-- Really?

-- Did you.... did you eat this thing? This "pizza"?
-- Is this a test we have to pass?

Not now, cadets, not now. But as you progress in your training, you'll have several tests to pass. And you might as well like pizza....Or maybe you can start with the kind of food they call Sushi. It is raw fish.

-- Ah... it sounds better
-- A good reptilian warrior eats raw fish.
-- Of course she does. 

Yes, and raw fish comes with a dose of aromatized ethanol called Sake, which has the purpose of altering a little your brain's synaptic activity. You may try that too. 

-- Meuianga, please, do not shock us so much.
-- We'll do that, if it is part of our training, but....
-- Meuianga.... please...

Cadets, I am sure you'll do your best. But let me go back to what we were discussing. We were examining the small mouth of the naked apes, and this idea of the pre-digested, or "cooked" food may explain it. If cooking makes food denser in terms of its nutritional content, then these creatures don't don't need to swallow large amounts and can have a smaller mouth. Doesn't that makes sense to you?

-- Maybe yes, Meuianga.
-- At least the way you stated it. 
-- But how does pre-digestion increase the nutrition content of food? 

Ah... this is a good observation, Cadet Kewpxzi'ì Te Lìpuaynin Stìuyi'itan. Cooking is mainly a help to make food more easily digestible, but it doesn't increase so much its nutritional value. But it is a reasonable explanation because it also makes the food softer, and so you don't need a big mouth to chew it. So, it is possible. Actually, it was proposed first by an ape scientist named Richard Wrangham some years ago. Here is an image of the "book" where he proposed it. Notice the funny thing on the head of the chimp - it is what they call a "hat" -- we'll discuss that later on.  

Wrangham is another smart ape; I met him a few times. He tried to convince me that his explanation is the right one, but I am not sure. Because, really, it seems not sufficient to me. Also, I think there is a much better explanation. But we have to go in-depth into the way these apes behave and this we'll see in another lesson. So, thanks for your attention, dear cadets, and have a nice relaxation with your daily super-meta. Or, if you like to try one of those things.... pizzas.... I can beam up one for you.

- Ah...
- Well.
- Maybe.

- And, after all, you are right that those super-meta rations are not so tasty. 
- Shouldn't we.... ?
- Why not?

- Meuianga.... we trust you!

 

h/t Ilaria Perissi

Lectures by Meuianga Mera

Why Naked Apes have Small Mouths. Explained by Meuianga Mera, Chief Scientist of the Reptilian Starfleet

The Red Mouthed Apes: A Lecture by Meuianga Mera, Chief Scientific Officer of the Reptilian Starfleet

The Naked Ape -- A Tale Told in Space

The Reptilian Mirage Suit: Learning the Purpose of Human Ears

The Evolutionary Game: How did Elephants survive the onslaught