Global Warming Explained by the Virgin Mary

The Madonna of Monte Amiata, ca. 1800 m. asl. This post is obviously fictional, I don’t normally hear the voices of supernatural creatures in my head, but it originated from a real experience, when I climbed all the way to the top of the Amiata mountain and the statue of the Virgin Mary placed there really seemed to me lonely and sad. So I thought She wouldn’t mind a little chat — not meant to be disrespectful. 

Good morning, Madonna.

Good morning.

Ah… are you talking?

What did you expect? Did you want me to cry?

No.. I didn't mean that. But I'm a little surprised.

You know, I would also have many reasons to cry. Look where they put me. On top of this mountain, exposed to all winds, cold, snow, hail, etc. Not to mention the smoke from the restaurants they put just below. But it seemed nice to answer you since you've climbed up here. It's a steep climb.

Ah, nothing in particular. Just a little steep. Anyway, thank you Madonna.

It is a pleasure. 

Listen, Madonna… since I'm here, I wanted to ask you something.

Well, everyone asks me things. There are those who are sick, those who have problems with money, love, and things like that. I'm sorry I can't work miracles for everyone, but I can try. You know. He also does what he can. But He has to keep up with a few billion galaxies. Not to mention the other dimensions of the multiverse. But what did you want to ask me?

I know everyone asks you things. But you see, there's a bigger problem. I don't know if you've ever heard of this thing called "global warming."

Of course. You see, I notice it even from up here, on top of the mountain. There is hardly any snow in winter, and it is much less cold. It's the greenhouse effect caused by carbon dioxide.....

Madonna, do you know about these things?

Well, climate science is not really my field. But, you know, He knows certain things very well and explains how things stand to me. If you knew how long it took Him at the time of creation to regulate greenhouse gases so that it was neither too cold nor too hot. He told me a lot about it. And, speaking of temperatures, have you ever thought about Heaven?

In what sense, Madonna?

Well, in terms of the greenhouse effect, I mean.

Actually, no. I didn't think Heaven really existed.

You know that there are more things in heaven and earth than you can imagine with all your science.

Ah, yes... of course. But where is Heaven, then?

It spans many dimensions, of course, but it also overlaps with the one where you humans live. Let's say that in this particular universe, Paradise is in the upper troposphere. And it's a question of the optical depth of the infrared emission. In other words, it's freezing cold in Heaven.

Well, I can imagine, since it's so high up. But they say it's a place where you feel good. Everyone would like to go. It is not so?

Certainly but, you see, souls live there. And souls are diaphanous creatures. They don't feel the cold. Instead I...

Ah... True. It's the question of the assumption, isn't it?

Well yes. I find myself the only one with a human body in all of Heaven. It's a great honor, sure. But, as I said, it's freezing cold. Luckily my son, good boy, has put up a few clouds-radiators where I usually stay. More oxygen, too. Diaphanous creatures don't need it, but I do. And so I'm a little better. Then, after the Last Judgment, they'll have to think of something else -- they'll all come with bodies, and it'll be a little crowded around here. But He will take care of it.

But is what is happening now on Earth the universal judgement?

No. It's something else. It's a bit like when He forgot the magma to boil in Earth's mantle and a gigantic magmatic province come out. And goodbye dinosaurs! You knew how bad it was!

But you, Madonna, were you already there at the time of the dinosaurs?

Obviously not. But He tells me many things. He is very sorry about the dinosaurs. He told me that the tyrannosaurs had turned out particularly well for him. They were a little aggressive, actually, but they were magnificent animals. But that's how things go. Every once in a while an ecosystem gets out of control. He has all these galaxies to manage. Billions of galaxies, he thinks. Almighty all you want, but he can't keep up with it all.

Ah understood. Perhaps. But, then, what is happening to us now, on Earth?

Have you ever heard of Hell?

Yes, certainly.

You've heard it's a very hot place, right?

Yes, yes. That's what they say.

Well, it is the greenhouse effect.

You mean that...... ?

Exactly this. Warming caused by the greenhouse effect. You are all going to Hell.

Madonna, is it possible?

Perfectly possible. You are creating Hell yourself.

Ah...

Eh.... that's right.

But couldn't put in a good word with....

I can try. But with all the trouble you've made and are making.... You understand why I cry, sometimes, right?

Yes, I see. I think I understand.

But you never know. He's good. It's just that sometimes, even He can't stand it anymore.

Well yes. I imagine.

I'll try, anyway. Maybe he decides to help you out. But if you don't stop doing the things you do, Hell awaits you.

I understand.

And thank you for visiting.

It was a pleasure, Madonna. Thanks anyway. And I'm sorry about the smoke from the restaurants down here.

Don't worry. The way things are, they won't last long. There are no restaurants in Hell.